Most of my life, I’ve been a chameleon. I can adapt to many different environments. It’s easy for me to be around almost anyone. It can be exhilarating. I’ve lived in and traveled to many different places. My career has taken different directions simultaneously. I’ve befriended and dated people with diverse backgrounds.
But this adaptability comes with a price. Solid ground never seems to exist. It can feel like I’m drowning in other people and places. When faced with an endless sea of novelty, I have not always honest about what is best for me.
Relationships tend to bring this out even more. I have oscillated between two fears:
of being alone . . .
and of being with someone.
It felt impossible to find balance on this inverted pendulum. So I kept people at a distance. I pretended that I don’t care. All of my insecurities and fears made it easier to pour my emotions into my work instead of into my relationships.
But occasionally I will meet someone that turns everything upside-down. They seem to appear out of nowhere, and their presence makes me question why I’m so closed-off . . . if I’m being honest with myself about what I want and need . . . and if I’m courageous enough to change.
I am grateful for those people that make my fortress of solitude crumble. Thank you for making me face my fears. Thank you for keeping me honest. I cannot always do it alone.