How do you define love? Every artist, every writer, and every musician tries to answer this question. To love someone is an experience beyond words. Each of us looks for it, but it is not ours to find or control. For a long time, I often wondered what love even was. Was it soft and affectionate? Or was it jealous and turbulent? I’d seen so many version of what others defined as love. Most of the definitions given to me seemed hollow or unhealthy. So I wondered if it was an experience worth having if I didn’t know what it was or how to find it.
There were many times I thought that I loved someone. And in a way, I did. But this love was constructed by outside definitions and examples. It was like making photocopies of photocopies – the quality was blurry and uncompelling. So I decided to forget all about it. I went about pouring my heart into my artwork and creating the life of my dreams.
This approach has made me the happiest I’ve ever been, because I don’t look to anyone else for answers, definitions, or approval. Instead, I look within.
Then, one day I felt it. I wasn’t fully aware of it at first. It grew quietly like ivy on an old building. I simply enjoyed talking to this person. He inspired me. He made me want to be the best version of myself, in a different way than I could be on my own. Being around him made my heart beat faster.
There was no agenda. There were no conditions. He just appeared in my life and made my whole world beautiful. I loved him for who he was and wanted him to be happy.
But even when there is love, sometimes you must part ways.
There is no way to alter the past or make sense of a separation. There is no reset button, no magic answer to sooth the sadness. I still feel the absence of this person in my life. Maybe part of defining love is know what it’s like to be without that person. But I find that I am a better person from the experience, and hope he is too.